The True Edwards Interview

As you may know, unassailable John Edwards revealed the "shocking" truth he had an affair with that crazy Ms. Hunter, after lying about it for a couple years. What always interests me about these interviews is what questions should have been asked based on the answers. So, here is what I think the interview should have gone like. BTW, these are his actual answers (except the last one).

I Am The Hammer: I want to thank you for taking time to talk to us, sir. And I use "sir" very loosely.
JOHN EDWARDS: Sure, of course.

IATH: I’m going to skip the usual song and dance and just get started. Is your political career over?
JE: Oh yes, it's been over for a long time.

IATH: So would it be safe to say that your attempt to win the presidency has been nothing more than a vain attempt to stay in the spotlight?
JE: That is correct.

IATH: And to score more crazy blonde babes?
JE: I don't know.

IATH: Right. Have you informed your family that you are a complete and utter tool? And that you are, in fact, a trial lawyer and therefore, by definition, a liar?
JE: Well, here's the way I feel about this. I think that my family is entitled to every detail. They've been told every detail. Elizabeth knows absolutely everything. I think beyond the basics, the fact that I made this mistake and I'm responsible for it and no one else. I think that's where it stops in terms of the public because I think everything else is within my family and those privacy boundaries ought to be respected.

IATH: So it never crossed your mind that being a trial lawyer would be a problem?
JE: It was a huge judgment, mistake in judgment. But yeah, I didn't think anyone would ever know about it. I didn't. And the important thing is, how could I ever get to the place, to that place and allow myself to let that happen?

IATH: Is it true that you are deeply in love with your wife?
JE: Not true. Published in a supermarket tabloid. That is absolutely not true.

IATH: Do you know if it is fun to take a paternity test? Have you even taken one?
JE: I have not, I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one.

IATH: Really? So you think you would enjoy it?
JE: Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen.

IATH: Have you heard that your wife said she is planning to have you castrated?
JE: I don't know what she has said.

IATH: Would it surprise you if she had said that?
JE: No.

IATH: Would it surprise you if Jesse Jackson offered to do it for your wife?
JE: No.

IATH: How much money have you paid to ensure yourself against castration?
JE: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved. I've never asked anybody to pay a dime of money, never been told that any money's been paid. Nothing has been done at my request. So if the allegation is that somehow I participated in the payment of money -- that is a lie. An absolute lie, which is typical of these types of publications.

IATH: So this canceled check that I have a copy of that is written from your personal bank account made out to “Protect My Goodies Insurance” is nothing?
JE: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.

IATH: So you’ve never heard about any of this?
JE: I've heard about it from reporters like you just in the last few days. It's the first I heard anything about it.

IATH: Would castration help your marriage?
JE: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think our marriage will not only survive but be strong.

IATH: Is it obvious to you that I, along with many Americans, think you are a complete idiot?
JE: I'm aware of that.

IATH: How does that make you feel?
JE: I don't know.

IATH: Is it possible for you to get any stupider?
JE: Yeah, of course I think it's possible.

IATH: Did the ever-so-crazy Ms. Hunter ever participate in these castration planning sessions?
JE: No. No. And again, I always said this to you, I don't think I'm going to go through the details of this, I already did it with Elizabeth-- uh, she was hired to come in and produce films and that's the reason she was hired.

IATH: So did you ask the crazy blonde babe about the castration rumors?
JE: Same answer. Same answer -- no I did not.

IATH: You are lying to me, right?
JE: That is correct.

IATH: Would you care if I slapped you right now?
JE: No.

IATH: How about if I hit you over the head with my chair? Would you mind?
JE: No.

IATH: Does your wife want to stay married to you?
JE: No, of course not.

IATH: Is she going to divorce you and take all you have?
JE: That is correct.

IATH: Is it possible that you have a serious case of Cranial-Rectal Inversion?
JE: Sure, of course.

IATH: Would a mirror help prove it?
JE: I'm not a scientist -- I don't know what the various methods of proving it are but that's certainly one way to prove it.

IATH: You do realize that there are photographs that show you have CRI?
JE: The picture in the tabloid. I have no idea what that picture is.

IATH: But you have seen the front-page picture, right?
JE: I did see it and I cannot make any sense out of that.

IATH: You can’t even recognize yourself in a picture?
JE: I don't know who that picture -- I don't know if that picture is me, it could well be, it looks like me.

IATH: Is it possible that you have your head so far up there that you don’t even know what day it is?
JE: Of course that's possible.

IATH: So it’s possible you really don’t know anything about anything, you cheated your way through law school, you made your fortune selling your soul to the devil and your hair is just a wig?
JE: I think all these things are possible.

IATH: You make me want to vomit. Please leave.
JE: Do you validate?

IATH: Somebody get my gun!