John Kerry Thinks I Should Be VP!

Instead of doing nothing on Labor Day, I decided to surf around the web looking for stupidity. Of course, looking up John F-word Kerry will do one of two things: put you into a coma or induce laughter. Much to my surprise, today he did something completely different. He, using code of course, described me as the best choice for Vice President! Me! Wow!

(Let me digress for a moment. How do you lose a national election and then have the wherewithal to keep appearing in public. I mean, seriously, isn't "loser" the first thing that comes to mind when you see Kerry? My right hand instinctively makes an "L" and snaps to my forehead whenever I see him. It is hard to type this because I can't control it! I'm beginning to bruise.)

So, Mr. Kerry was denigrating the ever-so-wonderful Mrs. Palin on the tube yesterday morning. He's rambling on and on and on about her lack of experience. But a thought occurred to me as I forced my eyeballs open to watch the end of the interview. John F-word Kerry was winking at me and describing me as the perfect VP! Below I present the evidence.

The interview begins with the usual McCain bashing by the turd who voted for the war before he voted against it. The, the subject turned to Mrs. Palin and his eyes lit up like the chance to beat up on a girl was more than he could take. You just know he was flashing back to 'Nam where he raped and burned and pillaged and planted shrubbery.

The first requirement is apparently belief in man-made global warming. Well, fine. I don't believe it but he can't make it look too obvious that he likes me.

Second is foreign policy experience. Apparently the messiah took a trip abroad and that qualifies him. Good, I'm all over this. I've been to Canada, Mexico and Hawaii and most of the 57 states. And I traveled with a broad. Actually two broads. You show me a man that traveled to Hawaii with two broads, and came back unscathed, and I'll show you somebody ready to lead these united 57 states into the future.

Third, we have to ask Europe for help. No problem there. I know how to craft a snappy letter and even know how to get it translated into any language you want. Except liberal. I can be quite the suck-up if there is chocolate or a back-rub involved. I can even forge Kerry's signature, so he'll think he did it, he'll be happy and maybe won't go on TV so much. That way, everybody wins.

Fourth, America must be made safe. Again, I'm good here. In my lifetime, my home has never been broken into and I've never had a car stolen. In my lifetime, there has NEVER been a terrorist attack in the town where I lived. I stand by these moderately verifiable facts.

Fifth, women voters must be seduced. Well, um, okay. There's only two months until the election and I only have so much time. Ladies, form one line and take a number.

Sixth, a willingness to kick the living crap out of senators from Massachusetts that have the initials "JFK". We can argue about whether he really said this or not, but you have to look deep into his sleepy eyes. He was just begging for a beating and I'm more than willing to do it.

Someone call McCain and tell him I'm available if necessary.